The title of the article says it all. After receiving news of a disturbing nature today, chose to just work on mind less tasks. Mainly still scraping glue, sanding, and then scrubbing down the trim for the Victorian dollhouse. Not so much progress to bother with taking a picture, and honestly not in too much of a mood to talk at the moment...
Hope to be slightly more upbeat tomorrow, but for now this is it.
Edit: Have remained up still doing mindless work. From scraping more glue(dissolving the bond first with some water and white vinegar), sanding, and also spackling walls to smooth and even them up. Mainly though my mind has remained restless and wandering over the days happenings. Led I suppose to my dwelling on my own family life, or more accurately lack thereof...
For now, I'm going to go off topic of the dollhouses and just put my thoughts into words as well as I can. Maybe then I'll feel more settled, at least I hope I may. My friend whom is the same age as I am, lost her older sister tonight at the age of 32, the same age as my own. So many times she and I compared how similar it seemed our situations were -- the older sister who took advantage of the parents(though never realizing it at the time,) the resulting familial bail-out that we had to do to keep our parental figures afloat if you will, and just the basic day to day idiocies we saw them commit. They were so very similar in such scary ways. Thankfully, though I can't say I will ever be close with my sister. Hell, to be honest I can't bring myself to even think of her as a sister after several of her more recent actions. But at least I don't believe her to be so stupid or inconsiderate to not care of her children and continue to indulge in idiocies that are sure to kill her. There is at least that.
While thinking on this though, I began to question if I really am so cold or possess the heart of stone I've been told. I suppose maybe this is why I'm as stirred up as I am -- reflections on what at the end of last year I had been hoping for, and that which came to actually be. You see I had been hoping very much to finally have a relationship with my sister, one in which there could be laughter and love. Not the relationship it seemed we always had growing up -- her being self-conscious and oddly enough self-centered at the same time, jealous of looks -- and of all things, the one thing she admitted to dis-liking me for growing up -- my being diagnosed as a diabetic... Either of those though were a genetic lottery, personally I always thought we both did well in looks -- as for the diabetes, was glad I got that as well. My sister was very much a choco-holic growing up, where as I liked to bake -- but didn't have a sweet tooth so much as she did. Seemed it was for the best that I got it as opposed to her. Yet oddly, she has told me that was one of the reasons she held me in such disdain or rancor I suppose would be a better wording...
Had hoped though, that we may finally have some common ground this last year. Only to once again have that proven as not standing a chance this last year by her. I despise lies, and see no point in putting up facades for people. What you see is what you get. Just seemed there were too many lies and deceits growing up. Both of our parents are alcoholics you see. When I went to college I attended several Alateen and Al-Anon meetings, these I will freely admit helped me to come to the point of view I still hold strong to today. Accept them as they are, even if you don't like it, and be there when they are ready to get help and help themselves. But by lying about them and their disease, by trying to hide it as my sister still attempts to do -- you just compound the problem. That was the initial point that my sister told me she was pissed off at me for. Second quite simply I made a choice to for a brief moment let go and have an evening of happiness -- of which she couldn't be happy for me and let it be known how mad she was I even considered it. So in trying to keep her happy and effectively cutting ties with the person to make her happy, I got to watch her lie to her husband and others.
Basically as I see it, in trying to keep her happy but still remain true to myself and my beliefs. I've gotten nothing more than to be completely screwed over by her and sadly by my brother in law, a guy I'd really appreciated as being the so much dysfunctional brother I'd never had before. Actually, that made her mad too. First it was a matter that she felt neither my parents or I talked to him enough. Then we find out we have enough similarities to be slightly scary and we enjoy talking, become friends(at least I thought at the time we were well on the way) only to have him tell me he's trying to be a good spouse to her so will not talk to me. Leaves me questioning what the point of marriage is -- if to be a good spouse, you have to turn your back on being a good person?
Guess it comes down to the simple point that I don't understand people -- the deceptions so many create to present a happy front for others, the lies, and general idiocies and foolishness. At times I can be amused by them, but for so many months now... I can only say they depress me and make me question what really is the point. For at this time I have my mother, alcoholic -- definitely, but at least she's not mean with it. My father and I don't really talk too much if we don't have to, for the simple point he likes to demoralize and degrade if he can. I see no reason to put up with it, and have told him as much. When he's sober, at least when he's sober more hours out of the day than not -- then he's not so bad to deal with, but we're not at that point right now.. My sister, well already said how many issues there are there. But I suppose that one boils down to the point she can lie all she wants about her own life, but when her lies lead others to believe that which is not true in concerns to me... Just feels like there's a huge block there that I can't get around. I can't find respect for her due to her choices, and I can say any trust has been destroyed.
Wondering if it's really too much to ask for the simplicity of honesty and basic respect as I try to give others, to be given to me...
I'm hoping sincerely that tomorrow's post is more upbeat and dh oriented, but for now I'm going back to spackle and glue removal...
Hope to be slightly more upbeat tomorrow, but for now this is it.
Edit: Have remained up still doing mindless work. From scraping more glue(dissolving the bond first with some water and white vinegar), sanding, and also spackling walls to smooth and even them up. Mainly though my mind has remained restless and wandering over the days happenings. Led I suppose to my dwelling on my own family life, or more accurately lack thereof...
For now, I'm going to go off topic of the dollhouses and just put my thoughts into words as well as I can. Maybe then I'll feel more settled, at least I hope I may. My friend whom is the same age as I am, lost her older sister tonight at the age of 32, the same age as my own. So many times she and I compared how similar it seemed our situations were -- the older sister who took advantage of the parents(though never realizing it at the time,) the resulting familial bail-out that we had to do to keep our parental figures afloat if you will, and just the basic day to day idiocies we saw them commit. They were so very similar in such scary ways. Thankfully, though I can't say I will ever be close with my sister. Hell, to be honest I can't bring myself to even think of her as a sister after several of her more recent actions. But at least I don't believe her to be so stupid or inconsiderate to not care of her children and continue to indulge in idiocies that are sure to kill her. There is at least that.
While thinking on this though, I began to question if I really am so cold or possess the heart of stone I've been told. I suppose maybe this is why I'm as stirred up as I am -- reflections on what at the end of last year I had been hoping for, and that which came to actually be. You see I had been hoping very much to finally have a relationship with my sister, one in which there could be laughter and love. Not the relationship it seemed we always had growing up -- her being self-conscious and oddly enough self-centered at the same time, jealous of looks -- and of all things, the one thing she admitted to dis-liking me for growing up -- my being diagnosed as a diabetic... Either of those though were a genetic lottery, personally I always thought we both did well in looks -- as for the diabetes, was glad I got that as well. My sister was very much a choco-holic growing up, where as I liked to bake -- but didn't have a sweet tooth so much as she did. Seemed it was for the best that I got it as opposed to her. Yet oddly, she has told me that was one of the reasons she held me in such disdain or rancor I suppose would be a better wording...
Had hoped though, that we may finally have some common ground this last year. Only to once again have that proven as not standing a chance this last year by her. I despise lies, and see no point in putting up facades for people. What you see is what you get. Just seemed there were too many lies and deceits growing up. Both of our parents are alcoholics you see. When I went to college I attended several Alateen and Al-Anon meetings, these I will freely admit helped me to come to the point of view I still hold strong to today. Accept them as they are, even if you don't like it, and be there when they are ready to get help and help themselves. But by lying about them and their disease, by trying to hide it as my sister still attempts to do -- you just compound the problem. That was the initial point that my sister told me she was pissed off at me for. Second quite simply I made a choice to for a brief moment let go and have an evening of happiness -- of which she couldn't be happy for me and let it be known how mad she was I even considered it. So in trying to keep her happy and effectively cutting ties with the person to make her happy, I got to watch her lie to her husband and others.
Basically as I see it, in trying to keep her happy but still remain true to myself and my beliefs. I've gotten nothing more than to be completely screwed over by her and sadly by my brother in law, a guy I'd really appreciated as being the so much dysfunctional brother I'd never had before. Actually, that made her mad too. First it was a matter that she felt neither my parents or I talked to him enough. Then we find out we have enough similarities to be slightly scary and we enjoy talking, become friends(at least I thought at the time we were well on the way) only to have him tell me he's trying to be a good spouse to her so will not talk to me. Leaves me questioning what the point of marriage is -- if to be a good spouse, you have to turn your back on being a good person?
Guess it comes down to the simple point that I don't understand people -- the deceptions so many create to present a happy front for others, the lies, and general idiocies and foolishness. At times I can be amused by them, but for so many months now... I can only say they depress me and make me question what really is the point. For at this time I have my mother, alcoholic -- definitely, but at least she's not mean with it. My father and I don't really talk too much if we don't have to, for the simple point he likes to demoralize and degrade if he can. I see no reason to put up with it, and have told him as much. When he's sober, at least when he's sober more hours out of the day than not -- then he's not so bad to deal with, but we're not at that point right now.. My sister, well already said how many issues there are there. But I suppose that one boils down to the point she can lie all she wants about her own life, but when her lies lead others to believe that which is not true in concerns to me... Just feels like there's a huge block there that I can't get around. I can't find respect for her due to her choices, and I can say any trust has been destroyed.
Wondering if it's really too much to ask for the simplicity of honesty and basic respect as I try to give others, to be given to me...
I'm hoping sincerely that tomorrow's post is more upbeat and dh oriented, but for now I'm going back to spackle and glue removal...
Kelli, so many of us have difficult families. You are not alone, as I am sure you are aware. You do not have a heart of stone, fact of the matter is sometimes backing away from toxic people is about self preserving sanity. While blood may be unconditional love, it does not mean unconditional relationships.
ReplyDeleteHugs, April
That is probably the best way I've heard that phrased April, thank you for that -- just something it seems so hard to remember while in the midst of it.
ReplyDelete